The Question

There is one question that I have asked myself often. 

Too often, if you ask me. 

I still ask myself this question to this day. 

I wish I didn’t. 

This one question has haunted me my whole life, 

shaped me, 

formed me. 

I’ve had multiple debates with myself regarding the answer. 

Sometimes it’s a resounding no, 

and other times, 

it’s a shameful yes. 

But most of the time, 

I just repeat the question in my head,

like a disgraceful song, 

swallowing and burying everything that surrounds it. 

No interrogation of the dancing, 

the music, 

the colors, 

which even led me to ask the question. 

It has caused me a lot of pain, 

a lot of doubt, 

and a lot of confusion. 

The question is: 

Am I a bad daughter? 

I usually do not live in a binary. 

I live in the grey. 

I like the grey. 

The grey is where life happens. 

Where life is full of beauty 

And full of pain, 

all at the same time. 

Life is too complex for binaries. 

But for some reason, 

I constantly define myself in the binary, 

boxing me in. 

Not others, 

just myself. 

Only me. 

I give others the grace of being human,

never defined by one action, 

one identity. 

Allowing them to be walking contradictions, 

taking on multiple shapes as they please. 

In contrast, 

I force myself to fit into the black and white. 

No permission to flow between a sea of colors, 

cutting parts of myself to be suitable, 

digestible to others. 

I don’t know why. 

Well, actually,

I think I know why. 

I didn’t fully understand before, 

but maybe I do now. 

So, this is my attempt to explain my life. 

To see myself in the grey, 

and let go of these binaries that have constrained,

controlled, 

and limited me my entire life. 

I want to let go of the standards that I have placed upon myself, 

that I would never put on anyone else. 

I know they are oppressive, 

but I thought I wasn’t deserving of anything more. 

Today, 

this is my testimony. 

My side, 

my perspective, 

so I can be set free from these chains. 

It is time.