Quest or Chaos

My story is a quest story, but right now it feels more like chaos. I want to write about my life as a survivor of sexual abuse by my father. I want to write about how I survived, how I endured, how I figured out how to build myself up, all on my own, with the help of my ancestors. There was no before and after in my story. The beginning of my life was the beginning of my abuse, the beginning of my pain. Surviving is all I know, and I’m tired. I’m tired of the masks and walls that I have built. The emotions that I have suppressed. The pain that I have ignored. It’s chaos because I am just becoming aware of the extent of the sexual abuse now, at 41 years old. I am now experiencing flashbacks and nightmares, unable to turn my mind off to sleep, to remind myself that I am safe and no longer in harm's way. Reminding myself this was years ago, and I am in control of my own body now. For the first time, I am feeling the panic, the fear, the depths of despair that I felt as a child. When I had no one to run to for safety, no parent to hold my pain and nurture me, to let me know that it was going to be okay. I feel it all now, and I can’t slow it down. My heart, my mind, my body, in a constant panic, radiating with anxiety. Impacting my recovery from this pneumonia. I just want to catch my breath and be able to breathe, freely and vulnerably. I want to write a quest story, but maybe for now it's just chaos, and that’s okay.