The Scale

Pulling out the scale in my bathroom

I step on it because Noom told me

Daily checks to see the fluctuations

Ugh, it’s too much

I just want to return before kids

I don’t want to think about my weight daily

Anxiety creeps up as I stare at my feet

If you live with your mother, 

you’re going to be fat like her

Being fat was a moral flaw, 

according to my father

I know he is saying this so I would live with him

But he didn’t actually want me

He just didn’t want to pay child support

At least that’s what I felt

Your mother is fat and lazy

That will be you if you stay with her

I just listened 

Holding back any emotion

Yes, papi

He drops me off back home after the weekend

Como te fue? 

My mother asks as I came home

Fine. I mumbled,

Running up the stairs

Not wanting her to see me 

I avoid eye contact

Fearing she could see my dad’s words on my face

Wanting to protect her 

Not hurt her more than she has already endured

I close the door to my room

I turn on the radio

I cry

I’m not sure what I feel

I just wish things were easier

I close my eyes and let the melody soothe me

Transport myself to another world in my mind

Let all the put downs, pressure sink deep

Where I can’t reach them

Endure

Keep it moving

I am not lazy